reminiscing

Now all this mess is happening down by the Mediterranean sea (not that I'm particularly fond of it, I'm more of an Atlantic Ocean girl) where grown ups can't seem to behave themselves and is blatantly shitting on humanity with all that violence, I am being reminded of my trip there the summer before last (the genesis of this blog) and all those wild episodes that I never had any time to blog about, as it was, like I said, wild. I do think, though, you guys need to know about the one episode called 'Crazy Myriam', but before I can start that chapter I think I need to start with the one called 'When Ella pretends she's a Jew' or even a little before with 'the Templars' loo'.

Here goes: When I landed in Tel Aviv airport summer of 2011 I took the train straight up north to Haifa where I was very generously received by some friends. After having explored Haifa through and through I took an overnight bag and went further north. First, I went to the Arab city Akko/Acre where the ruins of the Knights Templar's HQ from the crusades still stands (another bloody affair). I managed to take a picture of their loo (fascinating!) before my battery ran out and as I had, unfortunately, left my charger in Haifa there are no more pictures from that trip within a trip. But I can quickly conjure up some mental images for you by describing how I had the yummiest hummus ever in their crazy maze of a souk, and how the orange juice seller at the harbour let me climb up in the tiny lighthouse to catch the view, and how a young kibbutznik picked me up in their communal car and and we went cruising in a nearby Kibbutz checking out eucalyptus trees, horses and other kibbutzy stuff.Oh, and I almost forgot the coffee bean salesman (how could I?!) who'd lived in California and the two fishermen, Ali and Ali (they are cousins).

The next day I moved on to Tzfat/Tsfat/Safed/Zefat, a Jewish village on top of a hill where on a clear day you could see beyond the Libyan border. This is an über Jewish place where the Kabbalah mysticism originated with one Rabbi Ari something (forgive me, his name escapes me) and the cheapest hostel in this place is the one for Jews only. So I went.

Receptionist girl: “Shalom and welcome to the Ascent.”

Me (with my guide book open on their page): “Shalom. Do you guys have any beds for tonight?”

Receptionist girl: “Are you Jewish?”

Me (ultra honest, as usual): “No.”

Receptionist girl: “Then, unfortunately, no. The Ascent was founded by Jews and meant for Jews only, to study Judaism.”

Me (ultra fast thinking, as usual): “Even if you're descended from Jews?”

Receptionist girl: “Who's Jewish in your family?”

“My mother's mother”, I said as I silently prayed for forgiveness for converting Grandma Jenny for my own personal gain. “But she stopped practising when the Germans occupied Norway during WWII” I continued, praying now to God to not send me to Jewish hell for all these lies.

Receptionist girl: “but if she is your mother's mother, then you are Jewish.”

“Oh”. “I am?” I said, feigning a little surprise. “Even though she stopped practising?” I asked, to not sound like someone who is trying to con her way into a cheaper bed, but more like someone who is pleasantly, and somewhat naively, discovering her true origin.

“Just a second” the receptionist girl said, as she picked up the phone and hebrewed something down the receiver. I could see in her eyes that she knew that I knew that she knew it was all somewhat of a bullshit story, but she also knew that I knew that if I say I'm a Jew, she can't really contest it. At least not in this hostel scenario.

After what seemed to be a validation from up above (Yahweh?) she gave me the green light and asked me for my passport to be able to go through with the check in. When I pulled out my beautiful blue Icelandic passport (see prior blogs) and started to explain how my grandmother had married an Icelander, the only truth in this story, she just gave me that shut-your-lying-mouth-look and started with the check in. I'm not going to write in detail on how if you took classes you'd get 20 shekalim rebates on the room and how I said yes to one class, thinking I could do with some Kabbalah (and a discount on the already very cheap bed), but realising that obviously mysticism doesn't come after one Torah class about how if someone from the tribe of Abraham goes away and forgets his origin, he is no less of a Jew still. Never have my cheeks burned that bad and never have I wished to disappear through the chair that hard, as I was sure I had 'Gentile' written all over me (although my real Jewish cousins say that lying about being a Jew to get a cheaper room is very Jewish indeed).

What I am going to tell you is who I shared my room with (all girls, of course) as of this point in the story enters: Crazy Myriam. The first room mate I met was a cool middle aged hippie lady that was on her way out on a date. She is originally from the States, where she lives, but would travel quite often to Israel and Tzfat, having created relationships (oh yeah). She was really fun and spunky, like those guys that just seems to embrace life and everything living. My bunk bed buddy was a girl my age, also from the States. She was there with her boyfriend, who was in another room of course. They were both participating in classes and seminars that the Ascent has going on all year around (I still get their seminar invitations by email, they're obviously not yet on to me). The morning after, I brunched with her and so it happens, a part of the Knesset and Israel's Premier Netanyahu himself coming to Tzfat for the Shabbat that weekend. They must have gotten the intel that I was dining there through their very efficient Mossad network, as the village itself was brimming with agents on every street corner and crossroads (probably just regular police officers, but where is the suspense in that?). I felt ready to get out of Dodge as I started to feel the burden of being a Jew and the mysteries of Kabbalah were still very much cryptic to me. I raced the sun to collect my stuff and get to the bus station before it set as Shabbat was looming and everything would then shut down. To not backtrack (I hate backtracking) the only route to take was the bus to Tiberias, by the see of Galilee. And guess who else was lining up for the bus to Tiberias? Crazy Myriam! At this point I had no idea how crazy she was as the simple hello and the little chit chat in the room had not yet betrayed her level of insanity. So technically I should call her just Myriam. We greeted each other like long lost friends who hadn't seen each other after 40 years of desert tracking (sorry, Jew joke, couldn't resist).

Myriam (her Aliyah name, don't remember her original name) is an Aussie girl my age who had made Aliyah and resided, under normal circumstances, in Tel Aviv. She told me how she was travelling to get out of town for a while. I can understand that, I need to get out of Paris from time to time. Normal. 

We sat together on the bus and she started full on telling me about her boy problems back in Tel Aviv, the same way how I talk with my very close friends back home. Normal. 

I felt happy about having already this level of intimacy, this feeling of alliance. I was travelling alone on this part of the trip and I welcomed this instant friendship. Normal. 

The bus ride didn't take long, but long enough for me to know the whole story of her and her married-lifeguard-Netanya Mafia lover relationship that was extremely complicated (no shit) and was the reason she'd skipped town for a bit. Normal... I guess. 

We found a hostel through my guide book (welcome to all) and we shared a double room with a TV. We stashed our stuff in the room and decided to catch the afternoon sun down by the sea of Galilee. Normal. 

As we're walking to the sea side she asks me if I had noticed all the Mazdas (I had actually, but for a totally different reason than what she was implying). In retrospect I see how me acknowledging all the Mazdas was a terrible mistake as she goes on to tell me that her Mafia lifeguard lover imports these cars and the guys driving around are actually keeping her under surveillance. Not normal. 

I decided to ignore what she just said, like one ignores the sound of a fart in the metro, but I started to get a little uneasy as one gets when the smell follows the sound. When we got two big cups of ice tea from one of the seaside shops she elbows me in the side and nods towards two guys hanging over a banister, talking and smoking. Looking confused at Myriam, I hear her whisper how those guys belong to the Netanya Mafia and are here on a mission from her lover to follow her around. Nooooot Normal. 

Again, I chose to ignore her paranoiac comments as this is not the first time I run with psychos; half my family is on the verge and all my exes are clinically insane. To take my mind of things I tried some walking on water, ended up swimming (ha ha, Christian joke), but knew that our instant friendship had to end, hopefully as quickly as it began. I ended up excusing myself and going back to our room where I just chilled out, channel hopping. When Myriam got back and took control of the control, I did not object much as my strategy at this point was just to let this night pass and continue my journey, alone, the day after. Kind of how you would slowly back out of a lions cage. She eagerly showed me pictures of her lifeguard Mafia lover, mostly they were of his backside, with him in the distant and very blurry. How strange, I thought, sarcastically. She also told me how he did not only import cars, but was in charge of the MTV music station that broadcasts in Israel and that how he spoke to her through music videos by selecting the videos. And as she was compiling and sending seriously long text messages to him (strangely, never a message back) and singing along to Whitney Houston's Peace be upon her (score! Muslim joke) 'I will always love you' I did not have the heart (nor the guts) to point out we were actually watching VH1.

(Disclaimer: I do not discriminate, I make equally fun of everyone)